


Of the million things I'm unsure of, this is not one (anymore)

by I_write_fanfiction_not_tragedies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Lie Low At Lupin's, M/M, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 01:05:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8645203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_write_fanfiction_not_tragedies/pseuds/I_write_fanfiction_not_tragedies
Summary: "we almost did something we would have either loved or regretted for the rest of our lives what now" thoughts





	

There are few things I'm sure of. One, the sun will rise and set (along with the moon). Two, dogs can't feel emotions as deeply as humans. Three, nothing will ever be the same. The things I'm unsure of, however, is a much longer list. It includes, but is not limited to: why we ever trusted Peter, if the memories the dementors take ever come back or if they're gone for good, why I didn't try thirteen years ago, why I'm trying now, if Hell is worse than some things on Earth, what's going to happen next. But at the moment, what I'm unsure of most is how the hell I got here. "Here" being alive, out of Azkaban, marginally safe, and lying half naked next to Remus Lupin, whom I was convinced hated me until last year. Look at that, nothing but me and my thoughts, and I'm using near perfect grammar. Moony would be so proud. I can start to understand what happened, though. It all started last night... Merlin, if we're staring like that, why don't we just go with "it was a dark and stormy night?" Yeah, "It was a dark and stormy night, and we almost shagged." Hmm. If I'm ever going to become a famous author, I'll need to work on the introductions. To be fair, "it was a dark and stormy night and shite happened." Is a much more accurate description. It all comes down to "alert Remus Lupin, Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher— the old crowd. Lie low at Lupin's;". Such a simple request, ask a couple people to join a club, and stay with an old friend. But, like all things Dumbledore says, it wasn't easy to carry out. How was I supposed to do those things? I mean, I can't exactly show up on their doorstep and say "Hey, Voldemort's back, want to join the Order?" The ministry would be alerted faster than I could say quidditch. In the end, I sent them simple messages, all containing the same thing; _Contact Albus Dumbledore immediately._ Dumbledore can deal with it himself. And if he didn't want to, he should have given me better instructions. Now, the last part of Dumbledore's order was the hardest to carry out. I'm pretty sure this is not what he meant by "lie low at Lupin's". Or was it? One can never be sure. There I go again, proper grammar and all. Haven't been around him for twenty four hours and he's rubbing off on me. I sent Remus a real letter, not a simple contact this person for information, but it wasn't enough. Such a simple thing, _Voldemort's back. I'm coming to you. Dumbledore's orders._. Such a complicated future to go with it. It wasn't like I wasn't welcome at Remus's, in fact he had been trying to get me there for a year now, but I always told him the same thing; too dangerous. I didn't mean for myself, but for him. Imagine, a known werewolf aiding an escaped convict? If it was something Snape wished on his enemies, I could never do it to Remus. But there I was, running towards the cottage in the woods, same place as before the war, and all I could think was _What if I get him in trouble?_ There wasn't time to find out an answer, because before I knew it, I was standing on his front porch, barking once, and he was opening the door to let me in. He looked worse than he had last year, older and thinner and more torn than ever. I'd say it was sad, but that would be hypocritical, I mean, I hadn't seen my reflection in a while but I was sure it was bad. "Hello, Sirius." Was all he had said. I padded into the house and he closed the door. As soon as I had changed back into a human, I was smothered in a hug, fiercer than the one in the Shrieking Shack, and it certainly lasted longer. Finally, he whispered, "I got your letter. I... I can't believe..." "I know." I whispered back, my face pressed against his chest because I'm so damn short compared to him. We released each other after that and Godric it was awkward. Finally, I asked, "Do you, do you have a shower or a bath or something?" In a small voice. He responded, "Yeah, yeah, down the hall. I'll get you a towel." Why is it that I can remember things so simple as this, but not what happened yesterday before noon? Might as well blame Azkaban, that seems to be the reason for everything else wrong with me. After bathing, and hacking away at my hair with some old scissors he had left on his sink, I entered the small kitchen wearing some robes of Remus's that were too big on me but so much better than the Azkaban robes. For the first time in a while, I felt clean. Remus was cooking something over his stove, and turned around when he heard me. He snorted when he saw me, and tried to hide it, but I heard him and laughed. "Wow, Moony, do I really look that bad?" He smiled and turned back to whatever was on the stove, which smelled really good, and said, "I thought I told you not to cut your hair yourself ever again back when we were flatmates, Pads." I laughed. It was true, back when we shared an apartment, I had tried to cut my hair and failed so bad Remus had cut it all off and regrew it with some spell I didn't know existed. "Yeah, I remember that now. It's not _that_ bad, is it?" Remus laughed. "Just wait until after dinner, I'll help you." I padded silently towards him. "Speaking of help, can I help you?" I asked. He nodded and pointed at a cabinet. "Would you mind getting some bowls down, please?" I nodded and opened the cabinet. Of course, they had to be on the top shelf, and I was not a giant like Remus, so I couldn't reach them. "Well, I would, if I could. But, as it is, I'm..." Remus looked at me and smirked. "Too short?" "Not a giant." I smoothly responded. This felt good, the back and forthing between us like nothing terrible had happened for thirteen years. I saw what Snape meant when he called us a married couple. Remus handed me the bowls and I set them on the table. Dinner was uneventful, just talking about what Dumbledore had asked me to do, who I had already contacted, if there was any news about the new Order. Voldemort had not been brought up, the old Order was not brought up, and the thirteen years in between were not brought up. I was thankful for that, but I knew I would have to get to it sometime.

Remus was a man of his word, and after dinner I sitting on the floor between his legs and he was fixing my hair. "There." He said. "You don't look so..." "Wild? Crazy? Like I just spent twelve years in prison?" I offered. "Like a little boy who found a pair of scissors." Remus concluded. We both stood up at the same time, and suddenly I was aware of how close we were. I think Remus was too. I turned around and looked up at him. "Thanks." "No problem." Now, if this was a fanfic that Marlene and Lily used to read (don't ask how I know) we'd be kissing instantly and making love in a matter of seconds, because _Merlin_ there was sexual tension there, but this was real life, and we both separated until it was time to find sleeping arrangements. "No, no, it's completely fine, I'll sleep on the couch." "No, please, the bed's yours, I'm fine with the couch." And back and forth. "Fine. Fine, we'll share the bed. Girls seem to do it all the time, right? I mean, Pete—" I stopped. "Someone thought Marlene and Lily were lesbians in our fifth year, but they were wrong." Remus chuckled. "Well, Lily wasn't." I corrected. And then sighed. "Straight blokes don't often share beds, do they? Or did I miss something while I was in, you know where." Remus sighed and shook his head. "No, nothing's changed really. Come on, Sirius, just take the bed." And then he muttered, "Unless you're not entirley straight." Or, that what I think he said. Couldn't really hear him, after all. Certainly hope that's what he said. "What?" I asked. "I said you should take the bed." Remus looked up, blushing a little. "No, no, you said something after that." Remus denied it. We were getting closer now, almost an inch apart. It was nerve wracking, but I reached out and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Sounded like, 'Unless you're not entirley straight.' Which I'm not. Are you?" Shit. Fuck. Bad idea. You don't just _ask_ someone if they're not straight. I'd say that sounds like something I'd say before I went to Azkaban, but even then I knew better than to say something like that. "Well, no." He whispered. And smirked. But only for a second. Oh godric, he was so... arousing when he smirked. There are probably other words for that, but I can't think straight (makes perfect sense) when things like this happen. Or when I replay them in my head. "So... We can share the bed?" I asked. Remus nodded. And then there was silence. Not awkward, but... _awkward_. Sexual. Oh-my-merlin-why-aren't-you-in-my-pants-right-about-now-ishly awkward. And the tension was snapped suddenly when he leaned down and kissed me. And I kissed him back. So maybe this _was_ like one of those fanfics Lily and Marlene used to read. Who cares. I would like to say it was our first kiss, but there was already the drunken dare in seventh year that we have agreed to never think of again. Just broke that agreement. "So...to the bed?" He broke away and asked. "To the bed." I agreed.

So that's how I ended up here. With a few jumbled thoughts like _shit where's my shirt_ and _oh wow this really happening_ later, we were both half naked and I was under him before he breathlessly said, "We should stop before we go too far." In my mind I was screaming _no don't stop_ and _we've already gone too far_ simultaneously, so they cancel each other out and I responded with a shaky, "Yeah." And then darkness and sleep. Surprisingly uneventful sleep. No nightnares, or even dreams. Bloody hell, that's a first in a long time. Now, the sun is shining in through the window and illuminating his face and _oh my god what if it ruined everything_ is running through my mind. I don't realize he's awake and don't see his eyes open and jump when he says "Hey." And puts his arm around my waist. "Sorry." He stutters, and his arm is gone. "No, no, it's okay, you just startled me." I say and smile. He nods, but doesn't put his arm back. I'm a little disappointed. "Do you...do you want to talk about what happened last night? Or what almost happened, for that matter." He asks, and I sigh. "No, not really, but it'll be better if we do." Remus nods. "I guess I'll start then." He sighs. "I 'liked' you since fourth year, but boys don't like boys, so I told my self it was nothing. Seventh year, though, it was stronger, and I realized I wasn't straight. Didn't say anything. We shared a flat for two years, and then certainly didn't feel like the right time, I mean, who'd want to live with their same sex roommate who was into the same sex? And then the war got in the way and I never said anything. And then... Well, I'm sorry." He stopped. I was struggling with feelings now, half wanting to turn into a dog and let them disappear, but knew I had to face them eventually, and why not now? "Don't be. It wasn't your fault, Remus." "No, it—" "Remus." I said sternly. He sighed in defeat. "Fine. We'll do this later. But you can't go blaming yourself." I didn't respond. "Sirius." "Fine. For now." Remus sighed again. Much sighing going on. "Well, I hated you, but that's in the past. I realized, over the last year, that my feelings for you hadn't really gone away, just been submerged with blind hate. I didnt know... I didn't know you felt the same. Or similar. Or, you don't." I laughed a little. "How could I not feel the same? Now I regret not saying anything, the whole reason I want to share a flat with you was... This I guess." Remus smirked. "Sex?" I playfully smacked his shoulder. "No, you. I was hopelessly infatuated with you." I stopped smiling. "And then, twelve years of no happy memories and... Well, seeing you again made me go crazy. But, if you feel the same way..." "Maybe we can make something out of this." Remus's arm was back around my waist, and his other hand was tracing the tattoos on my chest. He muttered something I didn't hear. "Hmm?" Remus's eyes glanced up at me. "Oh, I just said, talking about relationships and such..." In a flash he was on top of me and pinning my arms above my head. "Want to finish what we started?" I smirked, adding another thing I was sure of to my list of securities. "Why not?"


End file.
